! ! ! FLOWER BATTLE OF THE MILLENNIUM ! ! !

The two contenders being held high by their Patron Saints. 4-26-2011.

THIS ENTIRE ENTRY WILL BE IN ALL BOLD UNDERLINED CAPS TO CONVEY THE FEELING OF BEING AT A MONSTER TRUCK RALLY OR BEING EXPOSED TO A MONSTER TRUCK RALLY ADVERTISEMENT (all of the text was about to be blinking too, but I was afraid it would cause people to not even read this, so no blinking!).  OR MAYBE IT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE READING AN E-MAIL FROM YOUR MOM WHO DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO USE A COMPUTER TOO WELL AND IS COMPLETELY IGNORANT TO ANY FORM OF ETIQUETTE ON THE INTERNET.

SO THE FLOWER BATTLE OF THE MILLENNIUM HAS BEGUN!!!  IT ACTUALLY STARTED THE OTHER MORNING WHEN I WENT TO WAL-MART TO GET SOME GROCERIES AND SAW SOME GARDENING STUFF.  I WILL SKIP THE BORING PART ABOUT ME WANTING TO GROW FOOD AND HERBS AND STUFF THIS SUMMER (I'll write about this in a serious manner later, can't ruin the vibe right now.)BUT ANYWAYS I SAW THESE TWO STARTER KITS: ONE WAS FOR FRENCH MARIGOLDS AND ONE WAS FOR RED ZINNIAS. 

I THOUGHT TO MYSELF: 

"WHICH ONE WOULD BLOOM FIRST?  I WONDER WHICH PLANT WOULD WIN IN A FLOWER BATTLE TO THE FIRST BLOOM WHEN THEY HAVE IMMINENT DEATH LOOMING OVER THEIR HEADS FROM BEFORE THE TIME THEY'RE EVEN CONCEIVED?!"

WELL, I JUST HAD TO BUY THEM AND FIGURE THIS OUT WHILE DOCUMENTING THE FIGHT ALONG THE WAY.  YOU CAN SEE AT THE BEGINNING OF THE POST WHAT THE CONTENDERS AND THEIR ACCOMPANYING PATRON SAINTS LOOKED LIKE BEFORE THEY WERE PLACED INTO ACTION.  ON THE LEFT, YOU HAVE RED "JUST CAUSE" ZINNIA, TO THE RIGHT, YOU HAVE FRENCH "INFANT JESUS OF PRAGUE" MARIGOLD.  THAT PICTURE WAS TAKEN ON APRIL 26TH 2011, THEY WERE PLANTED JUST A FEW MINUTES AFTER THE PHOTO WAS TAKEN.


BOTH FLOWERS ARE RECEIVING THE SAME AMOUNT OF WATER, SUNLIGHT, HEAT, ETC.  THEY'RE SITTING SIDE BY SIDE IN THE WINDOWSILL.  THEY WERE PLANTED AT THE EXACT SAME TIME SO NEITHER WILL HAVE AN ADVANTAGE OF ANY SORT.  FAIR ONE ON ONE ACTION.  


SO HOW IS THIS GOING TO GO DOWN, YOU MIGHT BE ASKING YOURSELF.  SO WHAT IN THE HELL IS THIS EXACTLY, YOU MIGHT ALSO BE ASKING YOURSELF.  THIS SEEMS MORE LIKE A COMPETITION AND NOT A BATTLE!  YOU MIGHT ALSO BE SAYING THAT, BUT OH MY GOD ARE YOU MISTAKEN.  YOU SEE, THE BATTLE WORKS LIKE THIS:


- FLOWERS PLANTED UNDER THE SAME CONDITIONS, EXPOSED TO THE SAME ELEMENTS.
- FLOWERS GROW.
- FIRST PLANT TO SPORT A FULLY BLOSSOMED FLOWER IS THE VICTOR.
- WINNER GETS PLANTED IN THE FRONT YARD, GREETING EVERY PERSON TO ENTER MY HOMESTEAD.
- LOSER GETS FED TO A STRAY DOG ON THE STREETS (DEATH IS FILMED AND BROADCASTED TO THE WORLD VIA INTERNETZ).

YOU'LL NOTICE THAT THE ABOVE CLAUSE HAS BEEN STRUCK OUT, THIS IS BECAUSE AN AUDIENCE MEMBER EXPRESSED THEIR CONCERNS ABOUT THE FUTURE OF THE LOSER AND SUGGESTED THAT I SHOW SOME RESPECT AND ALLOW THE FLOWER TO KEEP WHAT LITTLE OF ITS DIGNITY THAT IT HAS LEFT.  I AGREED TO DO SO.

- LOSER IS GIVEN TO AN OLD PERSON WHO MAY POTENTIALLY KISS IT, BUT WILL PROBABLY FORGET TO GIVE IT WATER, THUS CAUSING IT TO HAVE A WAY MORE BRUTAL DEATH THAN A DOG EATING IT ON THE STREETS.


THAT LAST PART IS TOTALLY NEGOTIABLE THOUGH, SO IF ANYONE HAS ANY SUGGESTIONS AS TO WHAT SHOULD GO DOWN IN REGARDS TO THE LOSER, PLEASE COMMENT AND VOICE YOUR SUGGESTIONS/CONCERNS.


THE FOLLOWING PICTURES ARE SNAPSHOTS OF THE CONTENDERS AS OF TONIGHT, 4-29-2011.  AS YOU CAN SEE, RED "JUST CAUSE" ZINNIA IS STRAIGHT KILLING IT RIGHT NOW.  BUT THE TABLES CAN TURN AT ANY POINT, ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN.  ONE CAN DIE, ONE CAN HIT A GROWTH SPURT, ONE CAN JUST DROP THE BALL, YA KNOW?  FRENCH "INFANT JESUS OF PRAGUE" MARIGOLD IS SHOWING HIS TRUE TRICK ASS MARK COLORS BY NOT DOING ANYTHING BUT GROWING A LITTLE FUZZ IN THE DIRT, BUT THAT'S JUST A PRECURSOR TO GROWTH, SO HE COULD BE REVVING UP HIS GROWTH JUICES TO EXPLODE FROM THE GROUND TO DROP SOME HEIGHT ALL OVER "JUST CAUSE."

LOSIN'.

WINNIN'.

THE NEXT FLOWER BATTLE POST WILL FEATURE SOME SNAPSHOTS OF EACH CONTENDER'S PATRON SAINT WHICH ARE THOSE ONE LONG TUBE LIKE CATHOLIC CANDLES THAT PEOPLE HANG ONTO WHEH THEY'RE TRIPPING REALLY HARD AND ATTEMPT TO COMMIT SUICIDE BY CRUSHING THEIR OWN HEADS WITH THEIR OWN HANDS WHILE TRYING TO GET SOME SLEEP BUT THEY CAN'T SLEEP BECAUSE THEY'RE TOTALLY LOSING IT AND THINK THE BEST ROUTE TO TAKE IS THE HEAD CRUSH.




-MATT